Not sure if it is just me or if anyone out there also has a hard time forgetting the past. Everything that has led me to the place I am, all the wrongdoings, all the special moments, etc. The only thing that I have a hard time with is remembering names, and when I go about my day to day schedule, and new faces come directly into my path, I tend to overlook them. I don’t even see a person; it turns into a blur. Later, when I try to recall their appearance, nothing is there, yet when they had made an impression on me, good or bad. I believe that it may have to do with the many people I have encountered while being in the military, maybe it’s due to the lack of storage space in my brain, or it could be because I have accepted that most new faces aren’t going to be around forever.
On my journey into adulthood, I figured out that I had major communication problems and a lifetime of “friends” who I had supposedly lost due to that lack of communication. I’m sure it wasn’t all my fault, but I do take responsibility for my part in these failed relationships. Today, I feel that I am doing better and learning with every relationship in my life. There are still walls that I put up from time to time with toxic people, but I look at those as a safety net. Even though I cannot get rid of these toxic people, though I do want to, I guess that is just like when you are getting married and must keep your significant other poisonous people around. It’s unfortunate and crushes my soul; therefore, I keep walls and boundaries with those types of people. Hopefully, someday, the toxic chemicals will be gone. This story is not about those types of people. Instead, it is about the failed relationships that I look back on and wish had been different. Without giving any names, this is my story about a girl who has been learning communication and relationships on all her failed attempts.
The first day of fifth grade at this Elementary School, and my mother took me to the city bus stop since this school system did not have school buses. My mother told the driver what school and let me know to watch for it on the right-hand side. The school was only a few blocks up the street, but it was my first day at this school. I put three quarters into the slot and took the closest window seat to the front, waving at my mother. I was extremely nervous, but at the same time, I felt strong for going on my own.
A new school and it was not due to moving; we had been in our new house for over a year. I was supposed to be going into sixth grade, and my mother decided to hold me back a year, due to a recent finding of an attention problem. She had me tested previously for a learning disorder, and the results came back that I was highly advanced for my age. The tests concluded that I needed more of a challenge to help drive my focus. My mother continued to search for a “problem” until she reached a conclusion to hold me back and send me to another school in the area while trying me on medication. I did very well that year, had all A’s to be exact. My mother and step-father thought it had to be the medication. I mean it could not have been anything to do with the fact that I learned the same stuff the year prior.
My second year of fifth grade was a turning point in my life. It not only put me a year behind on my schedule, making me one of the oldest in my class year, graduating high school at 19, but the medication stopped my social learning. Instead of living care-free as a child, I began to live inside my mind. Creating a worry that led to anxiety, I became an introvert when my usual self was a care-free extrovert. The most significant difference I realized was a ringing in my head; it came every morning when I took the medication and faded when it was wearing off. To this day, I get flashbacks of the ringing.
The first day was a bit magical; I had not expected anyone to talk to me, being the new girl. However, they were acutely kind, and I felt like I could be friends with everyone. I never told anyone that I was re-doing fifth grade as I felt ashamed of myself. I made a lot of friends that year, even got invited to my first slumber party with this group of girls. This group of girls had been friends together for a long time. At times, I was a bit jealous that I did not have relationships like they did. They included me, and it made me feel good.
For the slumber party, I took a birthday gift for Vivian, and it was a Lava Lamp, the other two girls Chelsea and Lisa praised me, even expressing how they had to invite me to their parties because I give the best gifts. I had many hair braiding talents since my mother had a salon in our home, and I learned from her. So, I became the hair braiding queen, and every one of these friends that I had made wanted me to do their hair. It is a bit funny how small things like that continue throughout your life, just like when I became the hair braiding queen at Basic Military Training for most of the girls in my bay.
Anyhow, I remember going to the school with my family for a choir concert that I was singing in. Afterward, I had noticed that the medication was completely worn off, and my friends saw it too. They all were telling me how funny I am and that they like me better than the way I usually acted at school. During this time, was when I truly started to understand that I was different while I was taking the medication. I had a lot of fun times with these girls, including going to one of their family member’s lake house. However, I do not have any relationship with any one of the friends that I had made there. The only friendship that I still have from elementary school is my friend Anastacia; we met in third grade and had many years in between that we did not or could not see each other. We got into a lot of trouble together and did things I would never have done without her in my life. She was the friend who came over to my mother’s house, in high school, walking in and started going through our cupboards without me even knowing she was over yet. Many other friendships have come and gone, but my relationship with Ana was real, it truly hurts knowing that we are not as close as we once were.
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